 |
| Map of India. Source: Encyclopedia Britannica |
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Learning by HEART: Read an article about reading- Preserving Deep Reading
A common problem I used to have. Source: Pinterest The Case for Preserving the Pleasure of Deep Reading The one thing that the a...
-
Introducing Aubryelle Sebo Hi! My name is Aubryelle Sebo and I am from Spiro, OK, which is a tiny town about three hours east of Norm... -
Link to my Portfolio: Epics of India Portfolio Map of India. Source: Encyclopedia Britannica
Aubryelle, great job with your first story in the portfolio! I find Sita interesting too and I want to work her into my project as well. You did a good job of retelling the story to provide the reader with a context of the original. I liked how you were able to create this story since readers don't really know what Sita was really thinking about. I loved how descriptive you were when it came to her feelings and I could really tell that she was yearning for Rama. I could also feel the bravery that Sita possessed for rejecting the demon lord, Ravana. Maybe for your next stories, you can write about other characters that their internal feeling wasn't emphasized very well in the book. Overall I loved your page and the picture you chose for this story was an excellent choice in my opinion. Keep up the good work and can't wait til your next story!
ReplyDeleteHey Aubreyelle! Good work on your story portfolio, both the coverpage and story. I am definitely someone who appreciates simplicity and allowing the words to stand on their own, so I like the design of your site.
ReplyDeleteI think the biggest suggestion I could make for the writing is to show, not tell. For more information on this principle of writing, I would suggest Gail Carson Levine's site and her three posts she has written on the topic. (http://gailcarsonlevine.com/blog/category/showing-versus-telling/). However, the basic idea is that write like the reader is watching things unfold. Rather than tell the reader that Sita wants to be loyal to Rama, let Sita show that in her dialogue and actions. Use the word count you spent on describing her feelings to describe how these characters look and Sita's surroundings so that we can see everything you see! I look forward to reading more of your work!
Hello Aubreyelle! I really enjoyed your first story, "Sita in Captivity." Reading from Sita's perspective really helps understand the whole story rather than just Rama's or Hanuman's point of view. When I first read the original story, I thought it was unfair that Sita had to go through all the torment with Ravana and then come home and be accused of being unfaithful to Rama, so I'm glad you recreated it from her point of view! What if you added a bit more detail to really create imagery in the reader's mind? For example, the sentence "I know I looked a mess..." you could describe how Sita looked! Perhaps saying that her hair was frazzled rather than her usual silky smooth hair or her clothes were torn instead of neatly placed. You could also add some more detail to the scene around her as well, such as how the main floor looked where Sita was placed. I really like the details you put in for her cage, though! Good job on your first story and I look forward to reading more!
ReplyDeleteHi Aubreyelle. I thought your description of Sita's stay in Lanka was very well done. After reading the Ramayana, I knew that Sita's life must have been miserable, but I felt like the story didn't do her justice. Using a diary to tell her story is a really affective way to capture Sita's experiences. I thought your description of Ravana's palace was very effective, and I liked how you said that the palace's beauty was ruined for Sita. I was a little confused when reading your story if this was supposed to be a single diary entry (corresponding to 1 day) or if it was supposed to be multiple diary entries (corresponding to multiple days.) At times, while I was reading, I felt like I wasn't reading a diary entry; during those times, your writing was still really strong, but it felt more like reading a book about Sita than reading her diary. I think really cementing the feeling of a diary entry would help to immerse the reader in Sita's situation.
ReplyDeleteHey Aubreyelle. I really liked that you decided to go with a perspective shift for this story. Throughout the Ramayana, the focus of the story is mostly on Rama and his quest to save Sita, and relatively little attention is given to how any of the events actually affected her. The dedication and resolve of Sita is one of the only reasons that the Ramayana can be told as a story. If she gave up and became Ravana’s wife then it would not have been much of a story! The description of Lanka and Sita’s cage was quite good. However, one part threw me off while reading the story. The line “Before placing me in my cage, Ravana tried to woo me with the splendors that the palace had to offer” cuts off sharply for me, and it is not really expanded upon. Why did this not work? What was Sita’s response? These questions are easily answerable and could be included.
ReplyDeleteIn your author’s notes you stated, “Sita knew she would be rescued”, but in the story she says, “Rama will be here soon, I hope” which indicates that she has a slight doubt about his arrival. This could be intentional and that is okay if it is, but I would consider revising the wording here. Otherwise, this was a good story and I look forward to reading the next section if there is one!
Hey Aubreyelle,
ReplyDeleteThe way you told the story from a first person narrative was incredible! Creating the torturous environment in which Sita was being held by talking about the beauty of the place, but the ugliness of all that were present helped set up what the story would entail. I was amazed by how you perceived Sita's thoughts throughout her time trapped with Ravana. Going through her conflicting thoughts as times got worse made me think about how hard she must have had it. I also loved how Sita thought about giving in. In the Ramayana they made it appear that she was above that, but in your story you created a more human element to Sita, which made the entire thing more like reality. I wonder if Rama had not shown up if Sita would have given into the torture? I would like to think not, but she is only human. It would be interesting if Rama never ended up coming to save her in your story. Maybe see how Sita would have reacted when she knew she would die.
HI Aubryelle,
ReplyDeleteI really loved the way you told your story from Sita's perspective. Ravana's palace was a dreadful place for Sita to be held captive and you explained her thoughts quite well! Throughout the Ramayana, Sita seemed god-like but you managed to make her so human in the scene you wrote. You could add some more depth to the story where Sita defends herself in front of Ravana, talking about how she would rather die than become just another wife. Another suggestion would be to have Sita befriend one of the wives, or make one of the wives see that faults in Ravana and help Sita escape from the imprisonment. The wife that helps Sita could also talk to her about how horrible it is with Ravana and his kindness towards them is all an act. Great job on your story! I look forward to reading more as the semester progresses!
Hi Aubryelle, thank you for sharing your story with us! What a unique and creative way to share this story. You do a very excellent job at portraying imagery of Sita and her location as she is experiencing captivity. I could really see what she was thinking and felt as if I could have been there in the story. I also enjoyed how you decided to write the story as if it was from her point of view! I definitely felt the drama, but I think you could add more dramatic effect to the story. Maybe include a mini-story when Sita is defending herself, or even when she escapes from captivity? Of course it is great as is but just wanted to provide some thoughts! This was wonderful and exciting to read. A really good read and great writing! Thank you again for sharing. I look forward to reading more of your work as the semester progresses! Have a great week six in this class.
ReplyDeleteAubreyelle,
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, I like that you warn the readers of the graphic details in the story. It lets them know that their may be things they may be uncomfortable with. Your banner and title is good too, it told me what the story was going to be about. The way you elaborated how tired Sita was after describing how she felt in the second paragraph gave me a good idea about what she was going through. She sounds exhausted! I also like how you have a lot of imagery through your writing. It makes it easy to visualize the setting. I'm surprised Ravana's wives weren't jealous but rather laughing at her misery while Ravana taunts her.
The style of writing kept me reading. I didn't know what to expect! When you described the jingling of the bangles, I thought one of his wives was going to secretly help Sita escape.
I noticed you broke your paragraphs up in the beginning but then the last paragraph was bigger. Maybe you could break it up a bit?
Writing the story in Sita's perspective definitely made it easier to connect with her. She seemed so much braver than the originally story. In the original story, she sounded like a lovestruck woman that was vulnerable and in her own world.
Hi, Aubreyelle! I really enjoyed reading your first story. First of all, I love that you write the entire story from Sita's perspective. All of the thoughts happening internally truly give us an understanding of the torment and confusion she was experiencing. Also, your imagery was beautiful! I love your description of the gold and coral being followed by the description of her prison cell. This displays the juxtaposition of the entire situation. She could have anything she wanted-gold and coral- if she said yes to Ravana. But she chose a dark, cold cell to stay true to Rama. I found her persistence very inspiring.
ReplyDeleteI think it would be awesome if you used more imagery toward the end of the story like you did at the beginning. It was beautiful and I, personally, would love more.
What if, next, you told the story of her escape! That would make this retelling of her entrapment even more worth while. Nice work!
Hi Aubreyelle! I read Sita in Captivity from your portfolio. Sita's inner monologues really gave me an idea of the mental struggle she was going through, and the way she acted seemed like it fits the Sita in the original story too. Having Sita in a cage makes a lot of sense, since she'd probably try to escape otherwise. I think she tried escaping while on the chariot that Ravana kidnapped her with, actually. I really liked the ending where Sita was scared, but stood up for Rama anyways. That shows that she's truly brave. Anyways, I noticed that after you wrote "evil company." there's an extra slash that probably wasn't intentionally put there. Also, another thing that I liked was how you made Sita ask herself questions, since it really makes you see that this was written as a diary entry, and it shows how scared and confused Sita was. I only wish she asked herself more questions in the first entry, since all the questions are focused in the second one.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteHi Aubreyelle!
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, I really like the layout of your project, or more so your website. It is pretty easy to navigate and overall looks really nice! I wonder if it would make it easier to navigate if moved around some of the links with in your website? Just a thought, I am sure you have a plan already mapped out!
Onto your story. Excellent job! I actually wrote a letter from Sita to Rama last week and I am going to upload it this week to my project! I like how you did a type of diary format. I think it gives the reader an insight into how she is actually feelings and what emotions she is feeling. Very creative! What if instead of putting entry you maybe put themes of what the entry was going to be about? Like "alone" or something like that. Just a suggestion. Overall your project and stories are excellent and I am looking forward to looking at it in the future.
Hi Aubryelle!
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed the journal-style story you posted. I noticed that, in the author's note, you say you're going off of the story of how Hanuman found Sita. However, Hanuman wasn't mentioned at all. Did Hanuman make contact with Sita, even for a moment, when he found her? I'm pretty sure he did. So, if that's the story you're retelling, it would be cool to get a nod at least from Hanuman, who went through so much to find Sita in Ravana's dungeon.
Also, I noticed that the tense changes sometimes in the journal entry. For example, the story states, "It has been days since my capture and I am so weak." A couple of sentences later, we switches to past tense ("All of a sudden, I was woken out of my deep thought..."). I think even in a journal entry, it's usually good practice to stay in one verb tense throughout. That would help the story feel more congruous. Overall, I loved reading from Sita's perspective! I look forward to future stories she has to tell.
Hey Aubryelle! I really enjoyed the style of your project! The entry aspect is clever and I feel that you can expand on this with so many different manners. I also like the side note at the beginning of how "reader discretion is advised". This sets the tone of how the story is supposed to be perceived. One thing I was wondering was how exactly did Ravan take her firing back? I feel that this could add a good amount of detail to the story. In overall detail you did a fantastic job of describing the emotions throughout the story especially with the bravery in the end.
ReplyDeleteIn terms of the layout of your project, I really enjoy the banner picture and even the picture used for the story. I think it might be more impactful though if you put the picture for the story towards the top. I feel it is kind of overlooked being at the very bottom.
Keep up the great work!
Hi Aubryelle!
ReplyDeleteStarting with your first story, I thought the banner picture was really good, looking out of bars to beauty, just like Sita! I enjoyed your first story, and liked the "reader discretion," because it shows that this is a scary and solemn story. You really captured Sita's turmoil, I can't imagine being in her position and wondering where Rama is to save her.
Your second story was also quite dramatic and I liked how you continued with the theme of the diary entries! I like that you showed King Shalwa's perspective, and I like the trend you have of the character's questioning themselves trying to figure out what went wrong. I noticed a few typos in this story, misspelled words and extra commas, so just take some time to proofread and you should be good to go! My favorite way to do this is to read it out loud to myself and make sure that everything flows well and sounds right, I think it's way easier to catch mistakes doing this than reading silently!
Great job!
Hello Aubryelle. I thought that your writing was really good so far. I thought that the perspective of telling the stories in first person was good. I liked reading your story as a diary and it flowed really well. The first one with Sita was my favorite. I thought that her captivity being torture was a good way to go and you did a good job of capturing her desperation and pain. Your image does a good job of capturing that. I also like the perspective shift for your second story. telling it from shalwa's perspective and focusing on all his doubt was really good. You are really good at writing out peoples monologues and thoughts. I would like to see you work on expanding the journal entries. I also think your site could use a little more pop. Overall I thought it was really great and am looking forward to what else you will have.
ReplyDeleteHey Aubryelle! First of all, your portfolio looks very nice. The pictures you've chosen for your banners are beautiful and high quality. I love that you chose to tell Sita's story from her perspective! It was a great way to let us into her thoughts during her ordeal. I can't imagine what how she must have felt. You did a great job describing her emotions and surroundings. I also love that you made this into a newspaper article. I hate that Sita was tested and doubted multiple times after her rescue and publishing her journal from captivity might be a great way to calm everyone's minds about what went on during her capture. Again, with your second story, I love the first person point of view you get with the journal entries. You could have also written his story in the form of a suicide note, since it seemed he was planning on killing himself. I'm glad you explained why the king betrayed Amba. It seemed so odd and out of the blue originally. And it was very sweet that he ended up regretting his actions and trying to find her in the end. Nice job!!
ReplyDeleteHello Aubreyelle!
ReplyDeleteWhat an awesome series of journal entries! I love your idea of telling the story in the perspective of Sita because as I was reading the Ramayana, I was curious about Sita and her feelings when she was held in captivity. I think more dialogue would really help your story. This would add more room for Sita to interact with characters and give us reason to hear more of her emotions. I know you will probably add more to your portfolio and I think more journal entries would be fantastic. Good luck with more writing!
Hey Aubreyelle. You have a simple homepage. It has everything required, but could use a little more writing. The other portfolio I have looked at have had a small introduction on there homepage. This helps the reader know what they are in for. A collection of Indian Epics is too broad without a little guidance. I do like your banner and the link to your comment wall. “Sita in Captivity” is an enjoyable story. The beginning of the story is great. Having the “Ayodhya Times” publish Sita diary is a clever way of writing a story. Also, the reader discretion is advised is great. It just helps the story feel more real, well done. I have no problems with the writing itself. I would however like the picture be place not at the bottom of the page as an afterthought. “Losing Amba” is a fine story. I liked that you gave reason for Amba betrayal of the king. I wish you the best of luck and I look forward to your future writings.
ReplyDeleteHello! It was great to finally read your portfolio. The background map of your first page was a very simple, but effective way to put into perspective of where your stories will revolve around. Starting with your first story about Sita, I also loved this image choice. I think that images really help the reader understand what is going on in your writings. It was also interesting how you used an entry format in your story writing. This was a very personal touch to the story. But, it might be a good idea to take about how the entries from Sita effect other people? It might be a way to expand the story's dimensions. Your author's note was also nice because you not only talked about the original story, you talked about why you picked this story. It is very important for the reader to understand why you decided to rewrite this part of the epic.
ReplyDeleteHello Aubreyelle, I thought the use of the map of India to set the location of your stories was a nice touch, while we might be in an Epics of India class visitors from the Mythology class can now easily find the setting for your stories. The diary format was something new and interesting in this course, and it helped show what this whole journey meant to her personally. The same goes for the King of Shalwa, especially because it shows the opposite side of Sita's story, providing a narrative of loss and the desire initially for the longing of someone, then the realization of betrayal. It also made the story very interesting because we see only one side of the story, the side of the king who only sees what he wants to see to confirm his twisted worldview, changing the way the reader themselves perceives the motivations of each story character. The one suggestion I would have would be to maybe add some external narrative to help describe the setting in more detail, but overall a very good story with an original perspective.
ReplyDeleteHi Aubreyelle, hope your week is going well! I'm very impressed by this project you posted. You definitely have some solid writing skills and are very knowledgeable about how to capture the readers' attention throughout the plot. I think you did an incredible job with shaping the characters and providing a unique twist of your own to each individual part in the story. I see you have a style very of you and your ability, and that continuously is portrayed in retrospect to the Indian Epic Tales you write about and give your own story on. You definitely know how to make the setting known, and even when it changes, I don't have to question where the story is or what is happening. You provide a ton of clarity in your writing and that's such a solid skill to possess. Thank you for sharing and I hope you have a wonderful week 11!
ReplyDeleteHi Aubreyelle! I'm from the myth and folklore class, so this is the first of the Indian Epics projects I've read. I really like your project so far, especially the story about Sita. I'm some what familiar with the Ramayana from religious studies classes, and I love that you decided to tell the story from Sita's perspective. I like the use of a diary entry format in both of your stories to give insight into a character whose perspective is over looked in the original versions.
ReplyDeleteHello Aubryelle. I love that you chose to write diary posts for your first story. It is a very creative idea and one that I would not have thought of. I like the design of your project, the cover page and the stories. I like that you made Sita more human than the original story. Instead of looking at her like a god, you gave her more vulnerable characteristics and thoughts. Very creative! The stories were exciting to read and I enjoyed seeing how things unfolded. You told a great dramatic story and I think you expressed everything well. The warning in your first story was a good touch. It gives the reader a sense of danger when they start reading. Your imagery is also spot on in your first story. You could put yourself in her shoes and see what she was seeing. Truly great work. Thank you for sharing with us.
ReplyDeleteHello again, Aubryelle!
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed coming back to read another one of your stories! I noticed some changes you made and I think your overall project theme is incredibly unique! I admire the way you begin "The Deserving King" with dialogue and by making it a story-telling setting, the audience is more able to relate to the characters. In terms of feedforward, it might help if you added how each of your stories plays a role in your overall goal with your project. It's great how you described what and why you told the story the way you did and I simply would like to hear more! Overall, great job and I look forward to coming back again to read more!
Hi Aubryelle! I really like your story about the deserving king! The author's notes really helped a lot and allowed me to understand more context about what was happening. The overall theme is really sweet and unique, and i like how it makes the story telling setting seem related to the character. One thing that I think might be useful is if you related how everything connects together in the author's notes or towards the end of the story! Everything looks Great and I look forward to reading some more of it later!
ReplyDeleteHey there, Aubryelle! How is your semester going? I think it is crazy that we are so far along in the semester and we are still meeting new people in our classes! I really enjoyed visiting your portfolio and looking through all of your information and stories that you have posted there. I really enjoyed your home page because it is just the right balance of pretty and functional. I like that you have chosen a map for your cover photo and I think you have done a great job of including a good amount of information, but not including too much or oversharing. All in all, I really have enjoyed looking around and exploring your portfolio, you seem to be very passionate about your writing and I really admire that. Good luck to you as you finish out the semester both in this class and in any other classes you have!
ReplyDelete